a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
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ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[dragging a corpse to the shed]
NEIGHBOR: putting away the halloween decorations?
ME: decorations?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
The options really are this bad
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do