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Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
It do be feeling this way.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.