First Date
Him: I love a girl who’s professional but likes to have fun.
Me: *excitedly pulls my brief case full of beanie babies from under the table*
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I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one