the dark web is just a goth google.
You Might Also Like
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t