Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
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Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
Seems a bit forward
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
for all #parents out there
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
My wife started clipping coupons to help me save money.
She keeps them in the side pocket of her $800 purse.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.