*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
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Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.