husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
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me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
*pours a bucket of water into the ocean*
You’re free now
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one