Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
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Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’m too immature for adultery.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.