My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
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Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
GUY WITH TONS OF BLACKLIGHTS AROUND HIS APARTMENT: Hey come on in!
GUY WHO LIKES TO RUB CAT URINE ALL OVER HIMSELF: Ummm. Nah I’m good.
This hospital has everything
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER
Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣