Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
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My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog