my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
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Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Can. I. Help. You.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
When someone trying to leave me
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”