Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
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I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Me, in DM rooms…
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
my ex: i want u back
me: the groupchat said no
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one