me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
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[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me