*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
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“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
Watch out for women who talk a lot of shit about other women. In the scientific world, we refer to them as “Cuntus Maximus.”
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
[restaurant]
Me: waiter, what kind of choy is this
Waiter (who is a chicken): bok
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Important Valentine’s Day PSA:
Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.
Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”