*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
You Might Also Like
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Made something I’m not proud of
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
pelicons
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here