Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
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Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..