I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
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For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
MY LAST MEAL ON DEATH ROW WILL BE RICE CAKES CAUSE THEY NEVER FILL ME UP AND I’LL JUST KEEP EATING UNTIL ALL THE GUARDS DIE
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
Whoa 😂
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
sensitive skin
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides