Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
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Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[before electricity was invented]
ME: [presses hand dryer]
GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear