UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
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need him
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
“Sheer Arrogance”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks