“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
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I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks