I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
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“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Dear #Athiests
Evolution could never design and create a machine that consumes scraps and produces bacon
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
These flies don’t taste like fruit at all.
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Weirdos gonna weird.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
My daughter just described someone as “looking like she was drawn from memory” and I think that’s the best insult I’ve ever heard.
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.