Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
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Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer: