Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
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I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
I told my vodka about you.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*