These aliens are taking forever.
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Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
Never be a pizza!
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!