Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
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*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
If you love something set it on fire. If it doesn’t die, you have a dragon.
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her: [Starts Alanis Morissette and Olivia Rodrigo playlist]
Me: Oh no.
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?