me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
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Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Who knew!
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
A short story about romance.
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
our love story in four pictures
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference