[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
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Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.