My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
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even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
tourist season
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
[guy at party who’s embarrassed that he’s allergic to cats] how funny would it be if we snorted a line of Zyrtec hahah
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday