Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
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My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]