Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
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Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not