BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
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My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
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sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
is nasa ok
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My husband wants to make cauliflower crust pizza so now I have to run to the grocery store and find a new husband.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
A man of commitment.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
So Beyonce had a strict diet prepping for Coachella..no dairy, no carbs, no alcohol, no meat, no fish, and no sugar. I know some women with that same diet prepping for a wedding. You are marrying a guy name Dan who eats chicken pot pie at diners, ya’ll can have some bread.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*