Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
You Might Also Like
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
me: but i want it
ambulance driver: [passing dairy queen] i said no
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
s
oc
i
a
l
Them: You should try keto
Me:
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.