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Me: I hate being quarantine alone. I wish I lived with someone.
Mom: take your father, he’s driving me insane
Me: I’m good
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
Me recordaron éste meme
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.