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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
*sees girl at bar*
Hey baby, wanna get outta here?
“Sure!”
Good, you’re really killing the vibe.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.