the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
relationship goals
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Has anyone tried changing 2020 from dark mode back to light mode?
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I am having an out of money experience.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.