I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
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One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid