Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
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me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
*ernest hemingway voice*
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese