Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
why would tinder want me to say this
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I’m an avid indoorsman.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama