I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Natty or not?
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
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My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
Away on business, sitting at the hotel bar a hot lady walks over and whispers in my ear, it’s 500 for the night.
*Whispering back. How much for the whole chess set?
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.