Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
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CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Retired bakers have nothing to prove.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
Airlines trust I can operate an emergency door and usher hundreds of passengers to safety but think I need step by step instructions on buckling a seatbelt.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them