I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
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Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.