him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
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What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.