Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
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No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Breaking news:
30% of parenting is making yourself the bad guy so your kids will unite against you and get along for a little while.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin