If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
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Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
[seance]
wife: “if there are any spirits here please show us a sign”
me:
wife:
me:
wife: “keith, say something”
me: “im scared”
[glass starts to move on ouija board]
H I S C A R E D
me: “goddamnit dad”
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?