Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
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Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
The internet is full of many things
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?