I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
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I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.