wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
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lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
The smoothest fall of all time
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”