When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
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Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Mmmmm white people
– sharks