people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
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When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
I occasionally drink every single night.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Farmer: Sure
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Farmer:
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how