On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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YOUTH 1: lol
YOUTH 2: wtf
YOUTH 1: lmao
YOUTH 2: ikr
ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
Check out the legs on this baby
awkward
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
my favorite genre of twitter
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
That was easy.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game